AHD! The Joys of IBD!


NB! This is not about art or textiles! It’s just my ramblings and thoughts!

AHD

For some reason a clip from a live Frank Skinner show years ago still resonates with me! I tried to find the clip on YouTube to link it here and lost hours watching old footage! If you don’t know, Frank Skinner is a Black Country comedian!

Frank talked about the AHD: The Arse Hair Demon… The demon that pulls a single arse hair at an opportune moment (opportune for the demon, inopportune for the victim). It causes the victim to bolt upright. If ever you have pulled a single arse hair, you will know the feeling. If not, get someone to pull a single hair from your head (or arse if you want a more realistic experience) when you least expect it and imagine that feeling intensified tenfold! That’s the power of the arse hair demon. It makes you react. I think of it as an analogy for suddenly being catapulted into action.

Hubby accuses me of being victim of the AHD when we have visitors. I am galvanized in to a mad cleaning frenzy to ensure The Ugly House is ready for inspection. I swear he invites ‘surprise’ guests around just to get some housework done. The AHD effect at its best!

IBD!

I experienced the sudden need to get my house in order a couple of days ago because of the announcement of unexpected visitors. Following a routine visit to my Gastro Consultant, (I like to call him that – Gastro sounds trendy – like a bistro for arses!) I got a letter in the post for a colonoscopy the following week. This was because a poo sample had shown significant inflammation in my bowel. No shit Sherlock! I could have told him that, having suffered from Crohns Disease for 25 years. In those 25 years it was the first time ever that I has to submit a poo sample for a scatological inspection. I am not sure if I passed or failed but I found myself, 2 days before the procedure, worried that I needed to do some basic husbandry for unexpected visitors. It seemed impolite to have a visitor without tidying up the grand entrance.

I used a bit of Veet hair removal cream. Did the trick.  If you have never read the Veet reviews on amazon and can control your bladder, they are well worth reading HERE. Pissing your pants is guaranteed. Avoiding shitting mine was a top priority in preparation for the colonoscopy. You have to eat eggs and potatoes and white fibre free food for a day. The following day you have to drink a vile liquid called Moviprep. It is grim. Did the trick. I was cleansed and tidy for my hospital visit.

I have had at least 8 colonoscopies. This doesn’t mean I’m ok with having a camera stuck up my bum, even if it is clean shaven. It is never a pleasant experience. They do try but I’m not sure ‘hairdresser chit chat’ works whist lying on your side, bare arsed, on a trolley while the doctor lubes up.

Nurse: What would you be doing this morning if you weren’t here?

Possible answers from me:

Plaiting my super long arse hair had I not removed it

Cleaning the blocked shower plughole of butt hair flowing application of removal cream

My morning ablutions had I not already been thoroughly ‘cleansed’ by sitting on the toilet for 5 hours last night til 11.30pm

Joking apart (actually, none of this is a joke, it’s all true), being heavily sedated helped and I guess it’s a necessary evil… like the AHD – it hurts but it gets results!  …and the result of the colonoscopy? Significant inflammation in my colon! No shit Sherlock! I could have told them that without testing my poo, my resolve and without medical or demonic intervention!

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