Are you considering a loft bed for your child? Then read on!
During The Ugly House building work I was very excited to show my son where his new room would be. He wasn’t impressed. I thought it was the lack of roof and floor that underwhelmed him. He was rude to the builder who tried to fill in the gaps – literally. I explained where his bed would go. He started to cry. I assured him he’d have some carpet. He cried more. I was puzzled. I thought he’d be excited. I rashly told him he could pick all his own furniture. He simply said “We will just move again” and walked out.
I was floored! We had moved 5 times and in 3 different countries before he had reached the age of 9. He couldn’t get excited. He saw it as temporary. I guess it was the guilt I felt that made me hold true to my promise of letting him pick his own furniture. I knew it was a mistake at the time, but I wanted him to be happy. I could cope with his colour choice of lime green and black and I thought a loft bed (or ikea stuva storage system combination arrangement) would be ‘fun’. Silly me!
A loft bed is silly! More than silly. It is a total cluster F**K! Here’s why you should slap your child if they ask for a loft bed:
- It’s fun to slap them now and again! (I’m joking! Really!)
- Buying the thing almost resulted in divorce. Hubby thought I should break my promise and not allow my son to choose. Hubby also underestimated the size and weight of the flat packs and couldn’t fit them in his car. He discovered this after the purchase! Luckily, Ikea deliver!
- Building the thing almost resulted in divorce. I followed instructions – for the wardrobe facing outwards. It needed to face inwards. Bugger!
- Children don’t actually like sleeping in loft beds. They think it will be exciting but it’s not. My son was frightened initially that it was so high up and slept on a mattress on the floor. I made him sleep in his chosen bed! Now he’s too lazy to climb up and still wants to sleep on the floor. It was after he had his loft bed that he started leaving the landing light on! It makes him feel vulnerable.
- I hadn’t considered how I would change the sheets.
- I hadn’t considered how I would change the sheets when they were covered in lumpy regurgitated spaghetti Bolognese in the middle of the night.
- I hadn’t considered how I would change the sheets when the expulsion of spaghetti Bolognese was just the beginning of nasty expulsions. The diarrhoea followed the sickness. Sometimes they happened simultaneously! After the third ‘incident’ I made him sleep on the floor…. for weeks. We also had to buy a new mattress, sheets and pyjamas. The loft bed survived.
- The tooth fairy had to insist that any teeth offerings were put on the desk and not under the pillow! It hastened the demise of the tooth fairy. She clearly wasn’t magical enough to fly up to a child’s loft bed in surreptitiously swap teeth for money!
- It hides a multitude of sins. Unless I climb up into the bed I cannot see what is up there. Last time I changed the sheets I found: orange peel (fresh); orange peel (dried); mostly empty cartons of juice; dog toys (I hope he hasn’t terrorised the small chihuahua sized dogs by putting them up there); partially consumed Ferrero Rocher ; chocolate stains (oh please god let it be chocolate!); stray spaghetti; several soft toys; 3 books; 2 torches; iphone leads (that’s where they all are); a baseball bat (to fend off mountaineering burglars); A metal Eiffel tower model (should the baseball bat fail); dirty socks; a light up plastic poo and a partridge in a pear tree.
I only made one of those up!
It is hardly surprising he prefers to sleep on the floor, there is no room for him up there!
- He will grow out of it (before he ever grew into it) and will want a double bed, which is what I wanted to get him in the first place. This makes a loft bed an expensive indulgence!
- It’s f**king lime green and black!